It took me a while, post-divorce, to figure out what I like. Not in bed, though that too. I mean in general. What do I like without the context of another person’s opinions? What do I want to eat, where do I want to go, what do I want to do and when…with limitations being more geographic than the tastes of another person. It’s surprisingly hard to answer when you’ve become used to your role as wife, mother, and lifelong people-pleaser. Suddenly, on the days when my son was at his dad’s and my home was quiet, I had space to fill. At first, it was too much space. (Not to mention, I was racked with guilt at the thought of enjoying my time without my son. More on that to come.)
I started with things my ex-husband would have disapproved of. I ate, messily, an In-n-Out burger in the car and felt genuinely rebellious. But I quickly realized that it was not about giving him a proverbial middle finger; it was about finding out who I am now. On a slow work-from-home day, I’d light candles and hop into a midday bath. I took long walks somewhere pretty to get in my daily steps. Then, a matinee at the movies, which had been one of my favorite things to do pre-marriage. Eating lunch alone at the cafe, dinner alone at the bar… these were tests. Tests of my mettle, of how nice the waters were to a solo swimmer.
My trips grew bolder, into literal trips. Traveling on my own again reminded me of who I once was and who I love being. Smaller, local things felt oddly silly to do alone, like going for an ice cream. I did a brave thing (I texted a guy that I’d been nervous to text!) and when the deed was done, I asked myself what I wanted next. What I wanted was to swim and have an ice cream. So that’s what I did. It was me and a handful of families at the ice cream shop; I had salty, damp hair. And I felt proud of myself. Because as simple as it sounds, listening to what I want and then acting on it feels borderline revolutionary. It’s a muscle I will never let atrophy again.
When friends tell me they’re getting a divorce, I give a quick glance back to that spot where I once was. That new frontier is terrifying, exciting, exhausting. But I think it’s true for everyone, that keeping a grasp on what you like is important. Divorced or married or single or it’s-complicated, kids or not, it doesn’t matter. What do you like? Not from the list of things your partner likes. Not from the list of things you can do with the kids or in the hours when they’re at school or camp. And definitely not from a list of things that feel productive. No shoulds.
Just… what do you want to do right now? Even, or especially, if no one is free to join you.
Some things to do alone, from a mind that’s briefly out of the gutter:
Go to the beach (or park, somewhere in nature) alone. If you’re used to going with kids, it will shock you how easy it is with just your own hat, towel, and book.
Take yourself to the movies and have popcorn mixed with peanut M&Ms for dinner (I mean, choose your own snacks, but… I go for the sweet and salty combo). I personally avoid the crowds of Friday and Saturday night showings, but do you.
A solo road trip. For New Year’s Eve one year, I took myself to Laguna Beach, I booked some spa treatments and a kayaking tour. The incredibly hot instructor was forced to join me in my kayak since I was the only lone rider… Oh no. What a bummer.
Aperitivo and read. Olives, maybe a pile of prosciutto, a little bowl of taralli (I buy mine from Guidi Marcello in LA, but you can make them, too), a glass of something (rose, tea, coffee, sparkling water with lime, vodka, whatever you need), a book, and an hour during which you are non-negotiably unavailable.
Two new book recs to get you started: Funny You Should Ask, a new rom com that’s a great, quick read; Between Two Kingdoms, a beautiful account of having your life side-swiped at 23 by cancer and then the trials of coming out of it.
If the midday bath idea, above, sounded good: add a dollop of coconut oil to the hot water. It smells amazing and when you get out your body is already moisturized. #themoreyouknow
If there’s one recipe that reminded me of who I am in a particularly tiring moment (not to be dramatic), it’s the Zuni-inspired sheet pan chicken from Gwyneth Paltrow’s It’s All Easy. The process itself was a bit challenging and meditative; the delicious dinner was icing on the self-actualization cake.
For more reading like this, I also enjoy Chrissy Rutherford’s newsletter, Fwd Joy.
Now go get yourself an ice cream cone, without your kids.
xoxo,
Nicole
*P.S. Free year-long subscriptions for the first 3 people to correctly identify the show referenced in the subject line and subhead without Googling, you cheaters.
Les Miserables (thank you, 6th grade choir class) 😉
Les Mis! <3