Reflective surfaces

Take a long, hard look

Dec 29, 2023

In preparation for this, the final newsletter of 2023, I went back and read this, the final newsletter of 2022. In which I espoused fuck it as a way of life. In which I revealed my no-substitutions-holiday-menu and vulnerably shared my new year’s resolution (don’t get gout, mission accomplished). And I still think that gifting someone else’s child a box of Whoopie cushions is a hilarious thing to do.

Ah, 2022. It feels so long ago now. We were so much younger. So innocent. We had no idea what 2023 had in store. But now that we’ve survived, *takes long drag from cigarette*, let’s briefly look back.

I’ll let @sainthoax kick things off.

sainthoax

A post shared by @sainthoax

I, for one, forgot about the eye-roll inducing but fiercely watchable Gwyneth Paltrow lost-a-half-day-of-skiing trial. (For the purposes of this newsletter, I won’t be looking back at the apocalyptic news of 2023. We are all aware of it, saddened and squirming about it, and it weighs, constantly.)

I, for one, did not forget about the essay I wrote earlier this year that was To Taste’s most read of 2023. About being a double agent, which is a single parent who shares custody with a co-parent. I lightly adapted it, too, for Hello Gloria, and as a result I got emails and DMs galore from fellow single parents saying how much they could relate to the duality I’d articulated.

Another of To Taste’s most read newsletters of the year, was my cranky / passionate look at LA’s best food. It grinds my gears when people write about LA’s restaurants and list the places that are all scene and no substance. LA is so much better and deserves so much better. (— Signed, a cranky / passionate Angeleno.)

A mere eleven months ago, I told you to go away (with me), having newly joined Fora Travel as an advisor. A travel planner. Whatever you want to call it. And that fabulous, new chapter of my career brings me to the way I have personally been reflecting on the last twelve months. Note: I didn’t come to this reflection naturally. I came to it, of course, by way of my therapist.

I had a session way back in November that was a breath of fresh air. I felt like my self-esteem had reached new heights. I told her about this firm, new clarity on what I want and what I’m working towards. I was no longer feeling the need for external validation, whether that was flirting or getting compliments on my work. I told her that I want a contract (a good one), I want to date well (not just date), and that I simply wouldn’t be settling for less. Easy as that. I wasn’t cocky or barrel-chested, I just felt clear. Calm. Confident.

Hahahahahaha.

Blame hormones, Mercury, being a human (D. all of the above) but I started December being completely unable to locate that woman anywhere. I got a rejection on a writing project. That happens…a LOT…to all writers. I got a rejection from a man. Which happens…a LOT…to all people. But for whatever reason, I couldn’t get over these ones. I burst into tears mid-tennis game. I scrambled to find ways to accidentally run into this man, convinced that if he saw me randomly looking great, he’d come to his senses. I felt none of the clarity and all of the desperation. All the worse for remembering, just four weeks prior, how evolved I’d felt in that one therapy session. (In fairness, her response had been “just remember, progress isn’t a straight line.”)

Cut to my December meltdown over Zoom with her. I wondered aloud and through tears why I was letting myself sink so far into a hole that I thought I’d paved over. I told her that these rejections were so common, so nothing, so small in the grand scheme of things but that I’d let them fully take over my thoughts, a clenched feeling in my gut, for weeks. It was almost like I wanted to emotionally (and physically) grind my teeth again, like I’d missed it.

She listened, patiently. She laughed, courteously, when I dropped in lame jokes mid-sobs. And then, gently, she said can you take a minute to look back at where you were this time last year? Even more gently, she reminded me that once every six months or so I return to this wired, emotional standstill where I am utterly exhausted by the strength and work and fear and fun and my impatience and pace of life. But that each time I get to this point, I’m better off than the time before. So I looked back with her, breathing more slowly and wiping my tears on my sweatshirt sleeve.

From December 2022 to December 2023, I find a lot of change. I find a lot of fuck it-style bravery in my work life. I hit the ground running in the travel planning space and made Fora’s Pro team by September, which was much faster than expected. I find a lot of creativity and play and progress in writing that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I find that, despite this recent gut punch of a rejection, I’m so good with being single that any man will need to only add to my life. I’ve come a long way.

We looked back a bit further, then, my therapist and I. And what she ultimately was trying to get across is this: every storm I’ve ever had to weather… I’ve weathered. The same is true for you. That gulf you didn’t think you’d be able to swim across? Go ahead and glance over your shoulder from the other side. You made it. She wanted me to understand that even when I am so in need of our sessions that I open the Zoom link five minutes before time, I can trust myself. I may trip over myself with impatience and worry, because I need to know all the answers right fucking now. I need to know if I’m on the right path(s). She wanted me to realize that I already know it’ll all work out because I’ve always made sure it has. Even if I don’t know exactly how it looks just yet.

So, maybe the rally cry for 2024 is I’ve got this. It’s inspirational yet calm, action-oriented yet faithful. It looks forward while also being rooted in past truths. It applies to all manner of scenarios we may be headed into: the good (see? I’ve got this) and the struggles (Ok, I’ve got this). Most importantly, I think it would make my therapist proud.

A few links & last thoughts…

Recently watched: Saltburn (yes!), Anyone But You (also yes!), Past Lives (BIG yes!), the 2016 movie Room (very much yes, but prepare for two hours of cathartic crying), Speed (still a masterpiece), The Buccaneers (fun, but don’t expect much more), Platonic (very fun).

I’m currently reading Clytemnestra on the recommendation of a friend and for anyone who loved Circe or Song of Achilles (me!) this is your next great read.

I will never recover from this NYT piece, “My year of being extremely online about dogs.” We are living in a dystopia. Here’s just a taste: