I’m starting to dig the chaotic nature of this newsletter, and I hope you are too. To wit, I’ll send a long and thorough galette recipe and then without warning I’ll come at you with some emotions. Like remember how last week the main takeaway was cold butter chunks? Well, for the September recap newsletter, the takeaway is to stop being so goddamned hard on yourself. Buckle up.
If being hard on oneself was an Olympic sport, I would be a gold medalist. And I’m really not one to toot my own horn. Why do I do it? How can I stop? And what’s taking me so long? Why aren’t I better at going easy on myself? Why yes, I am hard on myself for how often I am hard on myself…
I know I’m not alone in this. So, I wanted to share a nugget that my therapist recently gave me. She said that I was essentially going about my day searching for evidence to prove my (arbitrary) hypothesis that I’m a bad person. (Fun!) She suggested that I try to instead prove the (equally arbitrary) hypothesis that I’m a good person. If I’m going to cherry pick the messages I absorb about myself, then why not make them positive?
I spent a full day actively observing my thoughts and throwing out the ones that proved I’m a monster. (“We’re late for school, I can’t get it together in the morning and while I’m at it, I’m not ready for that meeting in an hour because I’m a mess” as a totally random example.) I replaced them with thoughts like “I found that awesome after-school activity my son loves, I’m a good mom” and “work is for losers, screw that meeting.” And I gotta say… this shit is better than Botox. It works! My stomach was not in knots that day. Do people just live like this all the time? Somebody give my therapist a raise.
But, of course, old habits die hard. The following week got busier. Schedules exploded. I made lots of little mistakes. And my operating system is set to self-berate first, then self-soothe. I’ll give Mercury retrograde a little credit from time to time, too, but largely I put the weight of those missteps on my own shoulders.
Some say that people are hard on themselves as a means of control. If you never step on any cracks, then you’ll never die. Some say people are hard on themselves because if you beat yourself up first (and most) then what others may say won’t hurt as badly. Some say it’s due to low self-esteem. Some say it’s to avoid dealing with the real issues gnawing at you (focus on every last detail of setting the perfect table so that you don’t have time to notice your crippling anxiety. Cool!).
Even though I don’t do it everyday, it is becoming more habitual. I’m more aware of my thoughts and am more willing to consider that I may actually be a good person. (Sorry for all the bragging.)
In doing so, I am starting to also see all the ways I’ve long discounted myself. It is starting to seem, to me, like the person who naturally beats themselves up is the same person who naturally charges less, say, for their work. I used to believe that beating myself up was productive—it would keep me from complacence or laziness, would make me more ambitious—but now I am starting to see that not only is it bad for my overall wellbeing and mental health, it’s also the opposite that’s true. In beating myself up, I saw opportunities or people or things as being too good for me. In hyping myself up, I am starting to see opportunities and people and things as being either what I want or what I don’t want. They’re not intrinsically “too good” for me if I think that I’m good enough. Truly, who the fuck knew!?
I also think as a recovering hard-on-yourself Olympian that what I currently see as practically coddling myself is probably just the ground level of self-kindness. Someday, when I stop being so shit at everything, I’ll really coddle myself.
Less emotions, more stuff
Dress yourself: Give me all the shirt jackets. Fuzzy sherpa-style from Marine Layer. Simple and oversized from the Gap. Classic from Thakoon. Suede and cool from Buck Mason. Long and almost pea coat-esque from ba&sh. Cozy from Rails. Also, really feeling these Re/Done stovepipes for a denim update.
Book bag: I have always lusted after Olympia Le-Tan’s book clutches and in particular right now you’d be more than welcome to treat me to Shaking in the 60s or Gattopardo or the classic Moveable Feast.
Go upstate: I was in Napa very quickly to see some of my best friends and join them for a harvest party at one of their friend’s (and mine now, too!) wineries, Lola Wines. We stopped for a bite while we were up there at Charter Oak, which I’d never been to before and my god it’s good. Highly recommend. Also popped by Yountville to say hi to my very close friend Thomas Keller and got some wildly delicious and visually stunning chocolates from Kollar Chocolates.
If you’re planning a trip to Napa / Sonoma, reach out. I’ve got tons more recs for you!
Hurts so good: If you’re in LA and want your life enhanced by way of body work / deep tissue massage, then may I introduce to you the one and only Tristan Casadei. When you reach out to him, tell him I sent you. I see him on the regular and am quite devoted.
I guess it’s fall: You guys may remember where I come down on the start of autumn, but Anne Byrn’s recent newsletter on all the ways to use cider (TONS) and a recipe for apple fritters has begun to sway me. Don’t pumpkin spice in my direction yet, though. This recipe looks insanely good, for apple cinnamon rolls.
Watch yourself: A very good and wise friend recently recommended Bad Sisters on AppleTV and holy shit it’s so good. Officially, Sharon Horgan can do no wrong. Do Revenge on Netflix is also campy and silly fun.
Buy this: Lastly, have I mentioned Cometeer Coffee? Because it has changed my coffee game. They are flash frozen coffee pods that you melt and mix with hot or cold water + any accoutrements you may desire. The thing is that, unlike lots of other coffee pods, these are made with legit great coffee. Even LA’s fantastic Go Get ‘Em Tiger has pods with them. I’m so into Cometeer that I have a special link that will give you $25 your first order.
Signing off to remind myself I’m not a monster. Like, pretty sure I’m not. Most of the time.
xoxo,
Nicole